bilikesscifi

Jun 132015
 

At some point, life was supposed to get easier. The hope of “something better” and “change” kept me going for so long, I lost track of time. And suddenly, a year and a half later, I find myself in a spot where not much has changed.

I still work at the job I don’t want to be at. Nearly 24 months straight of serious job searching has availed just a few interviews and no offers. It’s time to take a break and look at what I have vs what I want.

I’m still on anti-depressants. I really wanted these to be a temporary stop-gap; something to get me through the incredible job stress and help me focus on the issues of mine and xFHF’s relationship. Now I’m worried how long it will be until I can say goodbye to them.

xFHF. A lot of the reason my writing became so intermittent over the past eighteen months was the very real concern that xFHF and I were not going to work out in the long-term. I didn’t want that to be the answer, so we went to counseling and we really worked on our relationship.

The counseling was an incredible help and we did grow closer and work through some things. About six months ago, I started seriously questioning if this is what I wanted. Sometimes when something is too difficult for too long, you wonder if it really is the right thing. It felt like running to the same brick wall repeatedly.

I didn’t want us to break up. I especially didn’t want to be the one to do it. In the end, I was. It was (and still is) incredibly sad. He moved out just a few weeks ago; its still very new for me. He moved out of state, back home and once again I’m living alone in a space I created with someone, so every area reminds me of him.

It’s both comforting and excruciating at the same time. We remain on excellent, friendly terms. (Sometimes it seems too friendly.) That has also made it easier/harder to transition from that relationship to being truly single for the first time since I was 17.

My entire adult life has been partnered with someone. It feels ridiculous to be 30 and not know what to do with myself. My choices have never been what I what to do, but what we want to do. What do we want to watch?  What color should we paint the walls? Where should we go for a weekend getaway? Should we make this purchase? I’m so used to we, I’ve forgotten about I.

I am trying to figure out who I am as a single, unattached person. Life looks a lot different when there’s no one else to weigh an opinion on everything you do. This is such a freeing, yet terrifying feeling. It’s like I’m flying but my partner always had the wings and I never learned how to use them.

I keep telling myself that “I’m fine” and “I’m ok.” I am. But really, my heart hurts and I’m sensitive. Even writing this is hard; I realize how different this blog may be. xFHF who inspired so many beautiful words and entries, who gave me so much joy… I have to find my voice without that. It’s there, but I’ve never let that voice speak.

I’m fine. I’ll be fine. When I feel strong non-happy emotions, I retreat inside. I’m trying to fight that; some days or moments its easier, so I can pop onto twitter or chat with friends. A lot of the time, I just want to be alone in my grief and just let it process through completely.

I have a lot of healing to do; I keep reminding myself to cry – and its OK to let myself off the hook. Fuck the dirty dishes in the sink, I need to lie down and let these emotions taper down. I need to keep functioning at work and at home, I can’t afford to just step away and rejuvenate myself. Doing it piecemeal feels exhausting, but I do what I can.

And when I can’t from being too tired, too sad, too stressed, or, frankly, too disinterested, I just don’t. Whatever it is I’m putting off or not doing will be there later, right?

I am still here.

Apr 282015
 

John’s alarm woke me up the second time it went off. I rolled over and kissed his back. “Get up, you!” I teased. “I’m trying to sleep over here.” He turned toward me and propped himself up on his elbow, kissing me.

“Yes, dear Katie,” he chuckled. He got up to shower while I remained in bed, enjoying the fact I didn’t have to join him.  We were mostly on vacation, although John had managed to fit in a few client meetings. Two birds, one stone, I thought.

We’d been able to extend the trip a few extra days as a result; a few more days in London, one of my favorite cities, was nothing to complain about. The sheet fell, exposing my breasts as I sat up in bed.

“Will you be back in time for lunch?” I asked.

“I should be. Just a few hours then we’ll have the rest of the day together.” His eyes focused on my perky nipples. “You’re distracting me,” he said. He walked over to the bed and kissed me, more urgently than I expected as his hands felt my breasts, thumbs tweaking my already-hard nipples. I sighed and arched into him. He kissed me once more and then walked away to dress.

“It’s too bad you’ve got to work… I could think of a better way to spend the morning.”

“Oh, I have a feeling you’ll be fully occupied this morning, you won’t even have time to think of me.” He grinned in that dangerous way, the one that made me realize he knew something I didn’t.

“What?” I asked. “What do you mean I’ll be ‘fully occupied’? I’m only planning on going to the gym and reading my book.” He didn’t answer me, but continued getting dressed. I laid back down. There was no point in asking what he meant; no answer meant that I would have to wait until the answer was apparent.

I didn’t have to wait very long.

A knock came to our hotel door, and I pulled the covers back up to my chin. “Stay there,” he told me. He walked to the door and I heard it open, then a quiet, whispered conversation. The door closed and John walked back, fixing his tie. “What was that?” I asked.

“Oh, that? That was your breakfast. Right on time, too.”

“My… breakfast? Did you order me breakfast?”

That wicked smile came back to his face. “Yes, in fact I did. Although for this you’re going to need a few things. He reached into his pocket and pulled out a black, silk scarf. “First, you’ll need to put this on.”

“What? John, what is going on?” He lightly kissed my lips. “Don’t worry, dear. This is my special present to you. Now, put this on before I’m late to my meeting.”

I knew better than to argue. I put on the blindfold and he checked it to make sure I couldn’t peak. Satisfied, he pulled my hands together and tied them in front of me with a second scarf. Satisfied with his knots, I heard him walk away from the bed. “Now Kate, I’d like you to meet Luiza.”

Even though I couldn’t see anything, I turned my head to look for her. “Luiza?”

“Hello, Kate,” came the quiet reply. Her voice was girly and her British accent gave me butterflies. “I’m so looking forward to spending the morning with you.”

John’s voice was so smug I could almost see the smile I his face. “Now Katie, you be a good girl and make sure Luiza is well taken care of as our guest this morning. I expect you to eat to your heart’s content or until Luiza tells you to do otherwise. And Luiza – even though I hired you, Katie is here to please you. Don’t be afraid to use that riding crop I showed you on her if she doesn’t listen well enough.”

Luiza laughed. “Oh, I’m sure it won’t come to that, but I’ll keep it in mind.”

“Oh and Katie?” John asked.

“Yes?” My mind was whirling and I could already feel my pussy getting wet from anticipation. It wasn’t often that John invited women into our bed, and he’d never found one just for me. He knew how much I loved being with a woman; finding one just for me and not for us was truly special.

“Try to enjoy yourself, because Luiza has strict instructions not to let you orgasm while I’m gone. She’s our guest and I expect you to please her.” I tried to reply before he left, but I was still sputtering when I heard the door click.

There I was, blindfolded and handcuffed and naked. “So, Luiza… I, um, I’m not sure-” her lips were on mine, so suddenly. They were so soft, so petite, and she lightly grazed mine with her teeth before pushing me back, forcefully kissing me. Our mouths opened and we shared this deep, longing kiss full of want.

“There,” she sighed. I heard her clothes falling to the floor. “Don’t worry. Just do as I tell you and we’ll both be happy. Now, lie back, hands at your waist. Good, just like that.” Her hands started at my ankles and lightly brushed her fingers up my legs, toward my inner thighs.

I shivered slightly. “Just relax, Katie.” Hi fingers brushed across the top of my mound, and drew little circles on my hips. “How do you like to be touched? Softly, like this?” She ran her fingertips back down between my legs, pushing them slightly apart. “Softly, yes?”

I moaned in response as her fingers, barely touching me, stroked my lips. She ran one finger up the center, barely pressing in. My body tensed.

“Already so wet? Let’s see just how much,” her middle finger slid through my wetness, one long stroke from just outside my vagina to the top of my clit where my lips met again. A flash of pleasure, over too quickly. “Oh, I see. Well, let’s see if you can do the same to me.”

She climbed up onto the bed and straddled me, pinning my arms under her. She moved up, placing her knees beside my head. I could smell her. “Breakfast, Katie.”

She was delicious.

 

This post was inspired and sponsored by Peachy Escorts, a London-based escort service.

Apr 062015
 

Six months ago, I found myself falling for someone. (We’ll call him GamerDom.) It started as an innocent conversation that blossomed into a friendship where I found myself deeply attracted to him. I’ve never met anyone like him before.

He brought out feelings in me that had only ever existed in fantasy: being submissive. It was during that first conversation where he said the line that stopped my world and made me refocus: “Nothing annoys me more than a sub who tries to top from the bottom.” Holy fuck. I had a kinky friend and never knew it.

The first pic of me I sent him.

The first pic of me I sent him.

Our conversations turned somewhat sexual as we delved into learning about each other, teasing each other. He of course knew about FHF and was hesitant; he wasn’t sure why I was so openly suggestive with him. I had multiple conversations between FHF and myself and GamerDom and myself.

For the first time, I really understood that I wanted to be poly-amorous. For GamerDom, this was an area he’d never tried before; he wasn’t sure he could even handle that kind of relationship.

He had never wanted to “share” and wasn’t sure if he’d ever be able to. For me, GamerDom was the most intellectually stimulating and attractive man I’ve ever known.

He wasn’t just smart, he was incredibly intelligent and witty. He was polite, successful, honest, sensitive, perceptive, and definitely had a Dominant personality.

For three very short yet delicious months we chatted and flirted practically daily. It was complicated, it was undefined, but it was beautiful. Talking to him became some of my favorite parts of the day.

He excited me in ways I’d never experienced before; the idea of actually meeting him and being with him was so tantalizing. I wanted him.

There were moments when I craved him. Hearing the Google Hangout message notification would become the best sound in the entire world because it was another moment of communication.

And then, every so suddenly, things changed. I don’t know why. I’ve gone over and over it trying to figure it out. It was the week of Christmas and things were fine. We were both busy celebrating with family so we didn’t talk for a few days. And then, when the world returned to normal, so did he.

There wasn’t a reduction in flirting, it was an immediate end to any suggestive, flirtatious, hinting type of conversation. No nuances of interest. Our conversation dissolved into conversations I have with anyone. I tried to entice him back into the wanton messages we sent back and forth. My intentions could not have been more obvious,  yet he deflected or outright ignored by advances and kept the topics completely safe.

I stepped back and waited to see if, perhaps, I was being too aggressive for this Dominant and considered I should take a more submissive approach. So I followed his lead, waiting to see if he would lead the conversation back to where it had been. Nothing.

Finally, after a few weeks, I just asked him what was wrong. Had things changed? I couldn’t understand the obvious about-face that had happened in his communication with me. He assured me that his feelings for me were still there, he just had too much going on to focus on them at the time. To be fair, he did have an incredibly stressful January. So I waited. And waited.

Finally, I just had to face it: Elizabeth, he’s just not that into you.

It sounds stupid, but here I am at 30, and I’ve never had a guy be immune to my interest and advances.

But at the end of it all, what really sucks is that I’ve now had this feeling for six months and my feelings have not changed or begun to wane yet. I want him physically, mentally, and emotionally. I can’t stop liking him. I’ve wanted to.

I’m at the point where it just hurts to think about how I can’t and won’t have him because he doesn’t want me in return. I want to let go… it fucking hurts. It seems like I should be able to just get over someone I haven’t had a relationship with, but he’s in my head and my heart and I don’t want to lose him.

I have to, right?

Mar 242015
 

Eek. In less than 24 hours, I’m leaving for Catalyst Con and I feel so woefully unprepared! I’ve never attended a sex-related conference before, and I’m beyond excited. I’ve watched 3 ccons pass me by and I promised myself that in 2015 I would make it to one. And here we are.

I hoped by this point I would have healed from this really long and super life-sucking depression I’ve endured over the past year. Well, I’ve at least learned to manage it. I had hoped I would be more confident in who I was as a writer, but I’ve barely been able to keep up writing. Depression practically makes me a mute; I want to just be free with my words as I once was!

I am hoping that this con can help me make connections and get inspired on starting this kink consultant idea I’ve had floating in my head for a while.

What I’m most looking forward to is meeting with ‘ma peeps.’ You know, that group of people who you just fall into and realize I BELONG HERE. That’s the sex positive education community for me.

I am not (nor will I ever be) the most eloquent person. In fact, I’m  usually so shy that once I get past my name, I do a lot of smiling, nodding, and laughing in group. I’m so incredibly socially awkward, the concept of meeting a ton (ie, more than 3) new people makes me a bundle of nerves.

i love you couch!

what I want to do when I meet my sex positive heroes.

 

So, if you’re reading this because I’ve handed you my business card (god I hope they show up before I leave tomorrow!) or you’ve seen my badge and looked me up or you saw a tweet of mine and landed here – chances are I’d love to meet you and say hi, just understand I may be too shy, too nervous, or too intimidated by your star-power (seriously, some of you are my heroes) that my conversation skills will be almost non-existent.

I still like you. I may just look like I’m ready to run away and hide in my room. I may do that as needed.

 

Feb 122015
 

Ever have someone awaken a thirst in you that cannot be quenched?

Baby, I’m thirsty. Let me drink you in. Let me taste you and experience you in every way we’ve imagined and more.

I’m so thirsty. When can I have more? I need more of you. I can’t keep living on these little tastes.

Please baby, don’t just give me what I want, give me what I need.

Without you, my world is dry and a wasteland; you are my oasis.

I’m thirsty, please come save me. Don’t leave me out here to waste away.

Please save me.

I’m thirsty for you.

 

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