Nov 162015
Photo courtesy of Reji via Flickr. "Such Fresh Memories..."

Photo courtesy of Reji via Flickr. “Such Fresh Memories…”

All I want right now
is you.
Just you.
All I can do is think about you
and why you’re not here
and how I’m supposed to pretend
like you meant nothing.

How can I continue
to imagine you away
when all I know
are these feelings I keep inside?

All I want right now is you.
Only you.
Just like I remember
but this time, with me.

Nov 112015

Last month, I was at a friend’s Halloween party. There was lots of beer and sangria and too many rounds of beer pong – almost everyone was druuuuuuuuuuunk. (Yes, emphasis on being that druuuuuuuuuuuunk.)

Later in the evening, I was standing outside by the firepit in the rain with a good friend having a heart to heart. Well, I was listening as she was opening up. Suddenly, our talk was interrupted by a guy walking outside telling us his girlfriend (and my friend’s ride) had left out of anger at him.

We couldn’t get the full story of what happened, but we figured out he’d given her the finger in front of everyone and was fed up with her and assumed their serious relationship had ended.

We were not expecting that. The girl, K, is a good friend of both of ours, so we called her and eventually she came back to talk to us and try to calm down. The evening for her was ruined and she was upset and embarrassed at the situation and her boyfriend’s behavior.

As my friend and I spoke with K while she waited for her boyfriend to get ready to leave, my friend said in a very well-meaning spirit of female-togetherness, “Look K, sometimes, boys just suck.” K laughed through the sniffles. My friend turned to me and said, “Boys suck, don’t they?”

I was non-committal. I hate statements like that. And then she continued. “They just suck. Sometimes, yeah, my boyfriend doesn’t treat me like I wish he would. They aren’t perfect. You can’t expect them to be nice all of the time. Sometimes they’re just going to treat you like crap. He’s drunk, it happens. You have to think about the WHOLE relationship and whether or not it’s worth it for you. Don’t end things just at looking at tonight.”

And then she turned to me, “Right? All boys will mess up and mistreat you at some point. Right?”

My mind went almost blank. I thought for an awkward moment, and considered all of the men I’ve been in a relationship – or even contemplated a relationship with – and answered truthfully, “No, they don’t. I can’t think of anytime I’ve been mistreated.”

“Not one time?”

“No… not once.”

“Oh, well, then you’ve been REALLY lucky. But seriously, boys just suck.”

WHAT? Am I crazy to think this is NOT normal? Sure, I grew up hearing “Boys suck” or “Boys are mean” or “Men are jerks” as a joke or when some girl got hurt. I can’t ever remember my friends saying that. I’ve said “You deserve better” or “You’re worth more than that” to a friend during heartache. The only times I can recall calling a guy a jerk or asshole is when he truly deserved that honorific.

I don’t think I’m just lucky I’ve not been mistreated by any former beaus.  I’m not saying that the men I’ve been with or wanted to be with were perfect angels. However, I can’t recall times when they mistreated in any way or, at the very least, did not treat me with respect.

I’ve not been lucky in these partners; I’ve been very, very selective.  I say who I am with in any romantic entanglement, and I don’t put up with bullshit and bad behavior. If the signs are there, you won’t even be up for consideration. Are there a lot of partners out there who are immature and unable to be a decent human being to someone they care about? Without a doubt.

But this is not a problem with men, boys, or males. This is a problem with women.

I can’t believe as women in our 30’s, we’re still saying “boys will be boys” when the guy/man/male we love does something that’s intentionally rude toward us. Why do they get a pass? What makes good, decent, mature behavior so difficult or hard for them, that they get a pass from us just because they’re of the opposite gender?

Why do we give these “boys” a pass? Why put up with the repeat behavior we don’t like, that hurts us, angers us, and causes problems in the relationship? I don’t believe that “boys just suck.” That’s a crappy way to look at the opposite gender.

It strikes me as the equivalent to “all girls are bitches” and not in the way that’s a compliment. I believe there are a lot of men who, because women set the bar so low, have no reason to behave any differently. I am a big believer in self-control, self-awareness, and self-improvement. We all have faults and weaknesses and personal demons. However, none of those excuse your actions and how you treat your partner.

It also doesn’t excuse how you let your partner treat you. Ultimately, this is your choice. You choose who you are with, who you stay with, and what kind of behavior is acceptable or not. If “all boys suck” for you…. maybe its time to rethink your choice in partners.

This whole situation got me thinking on how fortunate I’ve been with my partners/romantic interests in life. In general, I have a very good memory of everyone. For example:

  • My first love, my high school sweetheart… we were never technically together and our story has enough teenage drama to make the perfect movie. He was a perfect gentleman – including refusing to tempt me to cross any lines despite the fact we both had plenty of opportunity and desire to do it. He “broke up” with me by kissing me on the forehead and asking to remain my friend – and to let him know when I found “the one.” We’re still friends.
  • Another high school friend who liked me for years, but I could never feel that way about him… he offered to be a shoulder to cry on when I needed someone to talk to about a boy I liked.
  • A guy I liked from youth group and went to summer camp with… he found out I wanted to go to the end of week bonfire with him, and he asked me to make me happy. I was really touched that he left his friends to take a girl he didn’t “like in that way” because he knew she’d love it.
  • The first guy I majorly flirted with in college… he wanted a relationship, but I wasn’t interested. Nothing about his behavior changed before or after I turned him down.
  • My ex-husband… yes he’s my ex, but not because he mistreated me. He was always respectful and kind, even when I broke his heart.  When I was hospitalized for my gallbladder during his finals week in his second year of law school, he slept in the hospital with me several nights and spent every moment he wasn’t taking finals with me. I was high on pain medications and I’m pretty sure I watched the same movie on my laptop 10 times, but he was there for me during the worst time of the year for me to fall ill.
  • My last long-term partner, xFHF, remains one of the kindest, most caring people I’ve ever known. We both fought hard for our relationship to work, but when it ended there was no anger. It’s hard to break up when all you want is for the other person to be happy. I’m so glad he’s remained one of my best friends.  He was the first man who was ever vulnerable with me and we had such a positive, healthy relationship as a result.

Choose who your partners well… it’s so worth it!

Nov 102015

It had been a month since I’d seen Dominic. My Master for two years, we normally played several times a week. Most weekends he stayed at “Hotel Slut” – in other words, my home. I was used to being his slut and slave as part of my normal routine, but the past month his life had been consumed with work and travel. Finally, he was on his way over.

I was ready for his arrival: my collar had been shined, legs and pussy shaved, body lightly oiled, fresh sheets on the bed, all toys clean and set out for him. I was naked, aside from my collar, ready to greet him with my normal prostrate bow, nose on the floor, welcoming him to His slut’s home.  I could feel the wetness pooling between my legs, my desire for him unquenched despite weeks of masturbating according to his instructions.

He arrived on time as he always did. In everything he was the epitome of organization. I bent over, kneeling and placed my palms on the floor bowing to him when I heard his keys in the door. I heard him enter and pause, as he always did, to view me. He sighed contentedly, “I’m so happy to see you, slut.”

“Welcome, Sir,” I breathed, nose still touching the carpet. I heard him walk around me, inspecting me as he always did.

“Ass up, slut.” I pushed up, ass in the air with my nose still on the ground as he inspected my ass and my pussy. His fingers traced lightly on my skin and my breathing hitched. It had been so long…

“I’m glad to see you’ve been taking care of yourself, just like I wanted,” He said. “Now, to the bedroom and on the bed like I like.” He gave me a swift but gentle swat on the butt as I stood up and walked in front of me. He followed me and I knew he was watching my cheeks and hips move down the hallway. I climbed onto the bed and knelt down in the same position I had greeted him in.

“I’ve missed this sight,” He said. I could hear the smile in his tone. He undressed and started sorting through our toy chest. After a few moments, he walked over to the bed and placed some toys next to me and put his hands on my ass. “A whole month without my slave, what do you think I should do with you?”

“I don’t know, Sir.”

“Should I make you suck my cock until you’re jaw is sore? Or fuck your tight ass to remind you just who you belong to? Or should I spank you until I’m satisfied and you’re begging me to stop?”

“As you desire, Sir, I am yours.”

“Yes, my slut, you are. I think after a month you deserve a reminder of that. Lie down on your back, as if you were going to sleep, but no pillow.”

I moved immediately, confused. This was not our normal (if there was a normal) play. I put my head on the bed, facing up and laid down. He took my hands and pulled them up, tying them together in a tight knot and looping the rope to each side of the headboard. There wasn’t much wiggle room.

Then he moved to my feet, and I expected to be stretch spread eagle, exposed for him to punish and pleasure me as he saw fit, but instead he knotted new ropes together and tied my feet together. He then bound my knees together, and finally secured my legs to each side of the foot of the bed. I couldn’t move very much and my heart started to race, not knowing what he would do next.

“We’re going to play a game, slut.” He had a wicked glint in his eye, one where I knew I’d be in a precarious position.  “You’re going to show me how much you missed my cock… the more you pleasure me, the more pleasure you’ll get in return.” He pulled out my small, but very strong, Tango vibrator. “The more I like what you do, the higher I’ll turn this up… if you start to focus too much on your own pleasure, I’ll turn it off, and you’ll have to start all over once I think you’ve earned it. Understand?”

I nodded. “Yes, Sir.” This would take some concentration.

“Good girl.” He put some lube on the vibe and slid it between my pussy lips, up against my clit. “How’s the placement?”

“I think its good, Sir. Hard to tell…”

He turned it on the lowest setting and my body reflexively jumped. “NOW, how’s the placement.” I could feel it buzzing against my clit, my lips, and down towards my vagina. Oh god this was already feeling good!

“Perfect, Sir.”

“Good. Now, show me how much you missed your Master’s cock.” He straddled my chest and his erect penis presented itself to my mouth.

I kissed the head, a glistening drop of pre-cum already there waiting for me. My tongue swirled gently and lightly around, welcoming him home.  For a moment, I forgot about the vibrator as my eyes closed and I focused on him. I opened my mouth and he obliged by pushing into me, letting my tongue and lips stroke him. After two years, I felt like I’d mastered worshiping his cock and giving him exactly what he liked. He gently flexed his hips to create a fucking motion as I started to take more of him in my mouth. My saliva started to cover more of him. I got lost in sucking and licking his perfect penis, until —

My body jumped – he’d turned up the vibrator to the next level and I groaned in pleasure as he slid his cock into my mouth. “Careful, slut, you don’t want me to take it away, do you? Focus on what you do best.” He removed his cock and ran the tip around my lips. “Good sluts get rewarded…” and then slid it back into my wet, watering mouth.

My clit started to ache, wanting more. Worshipping his cock was my favorite act; it made me horny while giving me the greatest satisfaction to see him so happy with my service. He started face fucking me hard, rougher. I opened wide and tipped my head back to allow more of him in me. I’d grown used to him using my mouth as he wanted. My gag reflex had been tamed long ago; I was fully His.

The vibrator turned up to the next level and my clit began to demand more focus. I wanted to focus on how good it felt, but I couldn’t keep my mouth open at the right angle and time my breathing with his thrusts. With my legs strapped together, I couldn’t move – much. I flexed my legs just a bit, the slightest movement having an effect on that vibe pressed between my pussy lips.

He slapped my face – not hard, but not super gently. “I thought I said to ignore the vibe…. do that again, and I’ll take it away. You are NOT to move unless it’s your mouth on my cock, do you understand?

I tried to say, “Yes, Sir,” but he pushed his cock back into my mouth it was muffled. That look of wicked happiness was on his face. “No talking, slut. Your mouth has one purpose right now.” I obeyed. I fought against the compulsive ache in my pussy and forced my attention on his cock. I was taking all of him in me, now. Strong, steady thrusts he gave me and I licked him as I knew how. His cock was hard, stiff, and I could taste more pre-cum in the back of my throat as he pushed into me over and over. I was his fucktoy.

“Oh, slut, how I missed you…!” he moaned, thrusting into me. His pace quickened. “I’m going to cum – and you’re going to focus all of your attention on me, ready?” I did not – and could not answer. He turned the vibe up to its highest setting.

I started to scream, but his cock invaded me and cut off my hair. “Don’t. Move.” he growled at me. He was fucking me with all he could, my mouth completely his. I screamed and moaned as I could, my whole body trembling as I fought for control. I tried to lick him as he moved in and out of me, but involuntary shudders and moans were bursting from me every moment I could breathe. Every time I did, he pushed back into me to cut off my air. One of his hands reached for my using it as an anchor as a few last thrusts pushed into me. I was his anchor as waves of cum splashed down my throat.

He supported himself on both hands, still straddling my chest. “Oh you beautiful slut, you did that so well!”

I wanted to whimper, but instead I shouted as involuntary spasms rocked me. The vibe was everywhere on my pussy and I needed to cum…. had to cum…. He bent lower towards my face. “Do not move. I’m very serious. I will still take it away if you disobey.” I moaned in despair as he pulled away. I was so close, and yet so far…. My body wanted to move in response to the building pleasure happening in me… I needed to move my hips… I fought for control of my own body.

He moved up slightly and rested his balls on my face. “Lick. Lick your Sir. I only want to hear your screams if they’re muffled in service to me.”

I opened my mouth and gently licked and kissed him. I had to be so gentle compared to the racking pleasure taking over the rest of me.

“Don’t move.” He reminded me. I was beyond control, my body vibrating, waiting… edging…. so close… fervent kisses and licks from his balls to his cock. I had to show him I would obey. I could feel relief coming… building!

And it hit. I screamed, screamed with all my might into body, my legs jerking up the small area of movement they had, squirting everywhere as I came. The orgasm over took me and I was shut to everything but the pleasure coursing from my clit through my entire body. He shifted away from me and let my body ride the orgasm, uninhibited. When I stopped gushing, he pulled the vibe out and I gave one last shout of pleasure feeling it slide out from between my soaked lips.

He bent over and kissed my panting lips. “Thank you for the welcome home, slut. I missed you.”

Nov 012015

When I was young, I was taught that being sexually promiscuous was wrong. Bad girls with low self-esteem gave away their bodies for false love and de-valued themselves. The more guys they slept with, the worse of an individual they were. No one would want a promiscuous woman – no one worth having, really.

I read all the abstinence books, even the ones about not kissing until your wedding day. My mom really wanted me to do that, but I decided to settle for never kissing until I’d found “the one.” I used to pray that, because I was saving everything for him, that he would save everything for me in return.

When I met my ex-husband at 17 and discovered we were both completely “pure,” I thought it was a reward for doing everything right.

And 9 years later, I was getting divorced from him and felt ready to go fuck some people because doing everything right had been the major disappointment that no one warned me could happen. Instead, I jumped into another relationship and stayed monogamous for another four years.

When that relationship ended this past summer, I felt like I was ready to forever shed this “good girl” act and become what I’d really wanted to try: sluthood. I declared it a social experiment, a right of passage, and period of personal growth.

It’s been four months (!) since I wrote that, and I’ve definitely become the promiscuous girl that would be considered a failure of my abstinence-only upbringing… but, I’m an awesome example of how choosing my own boundaries  and not being afraid to try new things has become an incredible experience.

Since June, I’ve in some way pleasured 5 different penises. Is this a lot? I’ve no idea and I don’t really care. For me it is, but none of it has felt rushed or forced. Yes, there were some very awkward moments… and some really fun ones, too!

A variety of dicks does make for a delicious life

A variety of dicks does make for a delicious life

Of these, I’ve only seen two of them additional times and both of their owners have become somewhat regular partners of mine. I very much enjoy inviting them over for some good fucking – and then wishing them well until the next time I see them in one or four weeks.

The other three penises have only had one visit each. And that’s for the best. Two of them belonged to men who turned out to be less than I’d hoped. The third I wanted to come back, but he ghosted on me after our time together; I was disappointed. He gave me an awesome full-body massage and then sex that matched some of my kinky likes. I really wanted him back, but for whatever reason he never responded to my texts or emails.

So, five penises since June, making 7 total in my life. That’s one hell of an increase over a few months.

Does that make me a slut? To some, maybe. Does it mean I’m a promiscuous girl and should be avoided for the unacceptable lifestyle I choose to live right now? I guess that’s up to my partners to decide.

What I’ve learned about myself in the past few months has been invaluable. I’ve learned to take rejection, how to deal with rudeness, how to establish and maintain boundaries, and how to keep and grow my confidence in unknown situations… I’ve also learned the incredible value of sex in a caring relationships vs sex for the sake of sex.

Fucking a man who wants to fuck me is nice… well, it’s downright awesome! However, I’ve found casual sex to be very dry and boring. Sure, it’s entertaining in the moment, but once the deed is done and he is gone, he’s very much out of sight and out of mind for me. If he never came over again, I wouldn’t care one bit.

I think back to the sex I’ve had in my relationships when I cared about my partner. Even with my ex-husband, with whom I had mediocre sex at best, we still had that intimacy that allowed sex to be more than just bodies moving together.

It’s the intimacy I miss and crave more than the fucking. It’s great to be desired physically by a man, but to be desired emotionally and intellectually has got to be the sexiest and most fulfilling feelings in the world. I don’t feel special when I fuck for fun; when I fuck for passion, it’s a different experience. To call them both sex is almost unfair.

I didn’t realize how important intimacy would be for me. Can you be promiscuous and still develop a connection that’s passionate and beautiful? I don’t know if I can.

This experiment isn’t over; there will be more penises in my future. I don’t have a number I’m trying to accomplish. I don’t have an agenda. This is still about personal growth. I don’t feel like I’ve lost any self-respect in doing this.

My self-worth and value does not inversely correlate with the number and frequency of penises I encounter and bring to orgasm. If anything, it’s made me me a better version of myself.

More sex, please!

Oct 242015

I remember the day my dad called us to see “something cool.” I’d never seen one before and I didn’t know what it was. On the desk in the corner of my parents bedroom, there it was: The Apple Macintosh II.

The Apple Macintosh was the first gaming computer I owned

Exactly as I remember it

“What is it?”

“It’s a computer!”

“Where did you get it?”

“I bought it from ____.”

This amazed me. We lived in the Middle East – there were no computer stores. The people he got it were friends of ours who lived in Russia. This wasn’t just a miracle: it was a complete shock for the early 90s.

Fortunately for me, the computer came with three games. Sim City, Oregon Trail, and Power Pete. I delved into all three with eagerness.

Power Pete (later re-released as “Mighty Mike”) was an arcade style game where you rescued bunnies in 5 different lands – all to annoying sound effects and cartoonish weapons. I completely sucked at it, but my sister mastered it easily.

We loved playing Power Pete it was a great game

We still use quotes from this game. FREE DUDE.

I loved playing Oregon Trail. I was super into Laura Ingalls Wilder and this was such a great way to visualize what I was reading. I always set myself up as a young 20 year old, married, with a small child. Occasionally my best friend and the boy she liked would join our party. It was like playing “LIFE” but with a “Choose your own adventure” mixed into the story. I loved it.

Then came “Where in the World is Carmen Sandiego?” and I learned a lot of geography from playing this game.

I don’t remember how long that damn Macintosh II lasted, but I remember it took forever for my parents to upgrade. We got that Apple when I was in 3rd grade. Oh, it was the start of everything.

Aug 032015

Note: This toy was provided to me free of charge by MaxiWand in exchange for a review. All opinions written below are my own.

The Toy

I don’t do many sexy toy reviews, but when one is offered to me of a product I want or have high hopes for, I always jump at the chance. When MaxiWand contacted me a few weeks ago about testing out the Magic Wand, I didn’t hesitate to say yes.  You may have read my review of the original Hitachi Magic Wand that I wrote three years ago. Since then, Hitachi has sold the rights to this product (apparently a sex toy is too negative on their brand image) and now they are just: Magic Wand. Vibratex now owns this product.

With this transfer of rights came the first real change in the development of this product in decades: new technology. There are now two options for this magical product: corded and cordless (aka, rechargeable). My original review about the corded product is reflective of that product today. Nothing has changed other than the name.

A look at the old and new Magic Wands, side by side

A look at the old and new Magic Wands, side by side

However, with this cordless option, the updated Magic Wand Rechargeable, offers some much better options than its predecessor.  The friendly folks at MaxiWand sent me the Rechargeable wand along with a Vibratex G-spot attachment. (More on that later). The plain brown box arrived in a few days and was well packaged and inconspicuous. The UPS driver probably had no idea that he had delivered what would become the best vibrator in my collection.

A few things have changed on this updated toy. First, the head of the toy is less round and more oblong, which I like. It makes the head slightly slimmer and longer. The surface of the head has also changed from the textured to a completely smooth silicone. It feels SO good compared to the older design. For me, the old texture was just a place for dust and body fluids to collect and require extra thorough cleaning – difficult to do on a corded appliance which is 90% electronics. This new texture makes cleaning and sanitizing the head much easier – just some soap and water as needed.

A look at the new Magic Wand smooth silicone head compared to the old, textured head

A look at the new Magic Wand smooth silicone head compared to the old, textured head

The change from corded to cordless is well done. The cord attaches at the base of the toy. Rather than the popular (and often frustrating) magnetic attachment, this is a pronged attachment which means the toy charges easily and you don’t have to worry about disturbing the connection. It charges in just a few hours and the battery holds its charge very well. I really love not being attached to a cord and have the freedom to move unencumbered by a cord on what is already a pretty hefty toy.

Now, for the super fun and best part of this toy update: the vibrations. Gone is the old Low/High switch and now there is a Power button, a vibration level button, and a pattern button. OMG YES. The power button button acts not only as the only way to turn it on (rather than hitting the vibration button), but it is also the only way to switch it off. I love an instant-off button on a toy, especially one with this kind of power. The last thing I want to do when I’m in orgasm and involuntarily moving is try to cycle through settings to find where “off” is! Turning the toy on turns it onto the lowest vibration level, which feels slightly lower than the “Low” setting on the corded model. It’s a great starting ground for playing with this toy. There are four total levels, each one building off the other by pressing the vibration button again. By the time you reach the fourth level, the vibrations are STRONG – and definitely stronger than the corded model. After three weeks I still haven’t moved up to this level, whereas on the corded model I spent more time on “High” than “Low” to orgasm.

A look at the Power and Vibration options on the Magic Wand

A look at the Power and Vibration options on the Magic Wand

The vibration patterns on this toy were a great surprise. There are again four to choose from, each distinct with its own fun factor to play with.

  1. The first pattern is a buzz–buzz–buzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz–buzz–buzz–buzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz which repeats constantly. The vibrations are strong, about a consistent 3 on the scale this toy offers.
  2. The second pattern is a more intense flavor of the first that goes buzzzzzzzzzzzzz–buzzzzzzzzzzzzzz–buzzzzzzzzzzzz and keeps repeating. The interrupts are just wide enough where your brain realizes what is about to happen – and then it hits you. They are timed incredibly well.
  3. The third pattern is perfect for teasing and torture: buzzz–buzzz–buzzz–buzzz–buzzz over and over. The buzzes are strong, intense, but are interrupted often its a jolt of pleasure then nothing, then another jolt.
  4. The fourth pattern is not one that appeals to me for solo play, although for partnered play I’d enjoy it. the pattern glides from low-high-low-high so it feels a bit like this: buuuuuuzzzzzZZZZZZZzzzzzzuuuuubbbbuuuuzzzzzZZZZzzzzzuuuuub.

 The Sex (for her)

So far, I’ve only used this toy for masturbation and I love it. The variety of strengths and speeds allows me to orgasm more without getting that numb feeling that could happen with the corded version.

The feeling of the vibrations in terms of buzzy vs rumbly is still there, but the added flexibility you have with this cordless version makes it an absolute winner. To start using this, I turn it on the lowest setting and start on the outside of my labia, generally down towards my vagina and away from my clit. On the lowest setting the vibrations are just strong enough to travel rather than stay just where the toy is touching, so a lot of my vulva is stimulated from playing with this toy.

The only issue I’ve struggled with on this toy is accidentally turning it off vs turning up the vibration pattern since the buttons are so close together. However, this isn’t necessarily annoying because it’s almost a way of teasing myself by mistake. Hey, it’s a silver lining, right?

Perhaps the most difficult part of using this toy is delaying orgasm. Its power makes it very easy to orgasm quickly, and learning to back off and edge a bit will give a more intense orgasm on top of an intense vibration. If you want to experience deep vibrations that spread across your genitalia, this is THE toy for you.

The Verdict

Overall, I have to give this toy a 5/5. The upgrades to the head, the charging feature, and the multiple patterns and vibrations make this no longer just the “Cadillac” of sex toys, but the Rolls Royce of vibrators.

This is one toy I think everyone, regardless of gender or orientation, would love and enjoy in the bedroom. You can purchase either version of the Magic Wand from (note that the site only shows the corded version, however you can select the cordless version at checkout). If you’re in the UK, you can buy the 220V-240V version with corresponding plug (no convertors needed!) at

Jun 182015

If you’ve read some/most/all of this blog, you probably know that I’ve got an ex-husband and an ex-fiance – and that’s the extent of my entire adult dating life, from 17 until the 30 years I am today. That’s a lot of years with dating, committing, loving, and having sex with only 2 partners. Ever.

In my marriage, I thought the best way to have a relationship was to save everything for “the one” and enjoy a lifetime of exclusive bliss, never having to worry or be jealous of my partner’s ex-lovers. Well, that dream lasted about 1 day after the wedding when I realized just how sexually incompatible we were.

In the end, one of the reasons I left is because I felt doomed to a lifetime of miserable sex with this one partner. I wanted more. When xFHF entered my life, it was our agreement from the beginning that, at the very least, I would have female partners as he would have male so we could both explore our bisexuality.

Finding new partners is never easy, especially when you’re 1) shy and 2) a demisexual. In the past four years I almost kissed a girl – once.  I’ve flirted with a lot of men and women and enjoyed it, but nothing has happened beyond that. I have wondered if my inexperience in relationships and casual dating has negatively impacted my ability to ease into conversations and feel comfortable having any sort of physical relationship before the “I love you – let’s move in together” phase.

So – I’m conducting a social experiment. I’m not emotionally ready for a relationship. It’s WAY too early… at the very least I should be able to go a full week without crying, right? That and after 13 years of always being partnered, I’m ready to just be single.

Braveheart cat

FREEEEEEEEDOM! And I bet you expected Mel Gibson….

Being single doesn’t mean I have to put my sexuality on hold. Instead, I cannot imagine a better opportunity for me to explore the casual dating and hookup world than right now. I’m 30, single, and, well, BOOBS.

So far, I’ve started using Tindr and Coffee Meets Bagel (an entire entry should be dedicated to both of those). I’ve also browsed the incredibly diverse craigslist “casual encounters – M4W” boards and even skimmed some posts on Fetlife of local kinksters looking for subs. I’m exploring.

So far, it’s been just fun to scan for a while, at least until I’m too bemused to continue. If anything, I know that as a woman, I certainly have the privilege of taking my pick of quite the spread of men. Sorry guys, its at least one perk us ladies have on you.

One post on Craigslist caught my eye – someone around my age looking for a “friends with benefits” arrangement. No relationship, but sex and sometimes companionship was wanted. It seemed ideal, so I wrote back. That’s a story for another day.

For now, my social experiment continues. I’ve no idea who I’ll meet or fuck – but I’m hoping to embrace my sexuality and for once, enjoy sex for the sake of sex.

Or do I???

Or do I???

I am a woman who loves kinky, safe sex. I cannot wait to see what happens this summer!

Copyright © 2012 - 2018 L. Elizabeth Sengele All Rights Reserved.