At some point, life was supposed to get easier. The hope of “something better” and “change” kept me going for so long, I lost track of time. And suddenly, a year and a half later, I find myself in a spot where not much has changed.
I still work at the job I don’t want to be at. Nearly 24 months straight of serious job searching has availed just a few interviews and no offers. It’s time to take a break and look at what I have vs what I want.
I’m still on anti-depressants. I really wanted these to be a temporary stop-gap; something to get me through the incredible job stress and help me focus on the issues of mine and xFHF’s relationship. Now I’m worried how long it will be until I can say goodbye to them.
xFHF. A lot of the reason my writing became so intermittent over the past eighteen months was the very real concern that xFHF and I were not going to work out in the long-term. I didn’t want that to be the answer, so we went to counseling and we really worked on our relationship.
The counseling was an incredible help and we did grow closer and work through some things. About six months ago, I started seriously questioning if this is what I wanted. Sometimes when something is too difficult for too long, you wonder if it really is the right thing. It felt like running to the same brick wall repeatedly.
I didn’t want us to break up. I especially didn’t want to be the one to do it. In the end, I was. It was (and still is) incredibly sad. He moved out just a few weeks ago; its still very new for me. He moved out of state, back home and once again I’m living alone in a space I created with someone, so every area reminds me of him.
It’s both comforting and excruciating at the same time. We remain on excellent, friendly terms. (Sometimes it seems too friendly.) That has also made it easier/harder to transition from that relationship to being truly single for the first time since I was 17.
My entire adult life has been partnered with someone. It feels ridiculous to be 30 and not know what to do with myself. My choices have never been what I what to do, but what we want to do. What do we want to watch? What color should we paint the walls? Where should we go for a weekend getaway? Should we make this purchase? I’m so used to we, I’ve forgotten about I.
I am trying to figure out who I am as a single, unattached person. Life looks a lot different when there’s no one else to weigh an opinion on everything you do. This is such a freeing, yet terrifying feeling. It’s like I’m flying but my partner always had the wings and I never learned how to use them.
I keep telling myself that “I’m fine” and “I’m ok.” I am. But really, my heart hurts and I’m sensitive. Even writing this is hard; I realize how different this blog may be. xFHF who inspired so many beautiful words and entries, who gave me so much joy… I have to find my voice without that. It’s there, but I’ve never let that voice speak.
I’m fine. I’ll be fine. When I feel strong non-happy emotions, I retreat inside. I’m trying to fight that; some days or moments its easier, so I can pop onto twitter or chat with friends. A lot of the time, I just want to be alone in my grief and just let it process through completely.
I have a lot of healing to do; I keep reminding myself to cry – and its OK to let myself off the hook. Fuck the dirty dishes in the sink, I need to lie down and let these emotions taper down. I need to keep functioning at work and at home, I can’t afford to just step away and rejuvenate myself. Doing it piecemeal feels exhausting, but I do what I can.
And when I can’t from being too tired, too sad, too stressed, or, frankly, too disinterested, I just don’t. Whatever it is I’m putting off or not doing will be there later, right?
I am still here.