Six months ago, I found myself falling for someone. (We’ll call him GamerDom.) It started as an innocent conversation that blossomed into a friendship where I found myself deeply attracted to him. I’ve never met anyone like him before.
He brought out feelings in me that had only ever existed in fantasy: being submissive. It was during that first conversation where he said the line that stopped my world and made me refocus: “Nothing annoys me more than a sub who tries to top from the bottom.” Holy fuck. I had a kinky friend and never knew it.
Our conversations turned somewhat sexual as we delved into learning about each other, teasing each other. He of course knew about FHF and was hesitant; he wasn’t sure why I was so openly suggestive with him. I had multiple conversations between FHF and myself and GamerDom and myself.
For the first time, I really understood that I wanted to be poly-amorous. For GamerDom, this was an area he’d never tried before; he wasn’t sure he could even handle that kind of relationship.
He had never wanted to “share” and wasn’t sure if he’d ever be able to. For me, GamerDom was the most intellectually stimulating and attractive man I’ve ever known.
He wasn’t just smart, he was incredibly intelligent and witty. He was polite, successful, honest, sensitive, perceptive, and definitely had a Dominant personality.
For three very short yet delicious months we chatted and flirted practically daily. It was complicated, it was undefined, but it was beautiful. Talking to him became some of my favorite parts of the day.
He excited me in ways I’d never experienced before; the idea of actually meeting him and being with him was so tantalizing. I wanted him.
There were moments when I craved him. Hearing the Google Hangout message notification would become the best sound in the entire world because it was another moment of communication.
And then, every so suddenly, things changed. I don’t know why. I’ve gone over and over it trying to figure it out. It was the week of Christmas and things were fine. We were both busy celebrating with family so we didn’t talk for a few days. And then, when the world returned to normal, so did he.
There wasn’t a reduction in flirting, it was an immediate end to any suggestive, flirtatious, hinting type of conversation. No nuances of interest. Our conversation dissolved into conversations I have with anyone. I tried to entice him back into the wanton messages we sent back and forth. My intentions could not have been more obvious, yet he deflected or outright ignored by advances and kept the topics completely safe.
I stepped back and waited to see if, perhaps, I was being too aggressive for this Dominant and considered I should take a more submissive approach. So I followed his lead, waiting to see if he would lead the conversation back to where it had been. Nothing.
Finally, after a few weeks, I just asked him what was wrong. Had things changed? I couldn’t understand the obvious about-face that had happened in his communication with me. He assured me that his feelings for me were still there, he just had too much going on to focus on them at the time. To be fair, he did have an incredibly stressful January. So I waited. And waited.
Finally, I just had to face it: Elizabeth, he’s just not that into you.
It sounds stupid, but here I am at 30, and I’ve never had a guy be immune to my interest and advances.
But at the end of it all, what really sucks is that I’ve now had this feeling for six months and my feelings have not changed or begun to wane yet. I want him physically, mentally, and emotionally. I can’t stop liking him. I’ve wanted to.
I’m at the point where it just hurts to think about how I can’t and won’t have him because he doesn’t want me in return. I want to let go… it fucking hurts. It seems like I should be able to just get over someone I haven’t had a relationship with, but he’s in my head and my heart and I don’t want to lose him.
I have to, right?