Jan 112015

When I started this blog, I started writing because I had to share all joy and good in my life. I was finally waking up to my sexuality, a side of myself that I hadn’t been able to experience until a few years ago. I didn’t start writing to meet people or make friends.

All I wanted was to share, express, rejoice. The people I have met over the past three years on twitter and this blog have been amazing. They’re supportive and confidence-building. Nothing I share or experience is uncomfortable or wrong. I learned what sex positivity was from some of the best people I’ve ever known.

When I started to go “downhill” last year, my writing tapered off and I all but disappeared from twitter. My daily chronicles of sex and fun were gone. I couldn’t share. I could barely feel that joy again. Depression took its nasty grip and silenced me in the process.

But I didn’t lose those who I had grown close to.

I’ve made a variety of acquaintances and relationships online ever since I took up the Bi Likes Sci Fi persona. It was a little easy to meet people… I mean, I’m a bisexual woman who shared explicit information (and the occasional photo) on the internet about how much she enjoyed sex.

Sometimes it was too easy. Earlier today, I had someone tweet to me for the very first time:

I wish I could say this is unusual, but as a woman on the internet it’s not, especially since it’s assumed that if I like sex, I would obviously want to share it with anyone and everyone. These guys I refer to as “creepers” are a dime a dozen and I generally ignore them.

Then there are the twitter-friends: we mutually follow each other and occasionally reply to tweets and casually know the person in an online-only way.

Then there are the real friends: the ones who I know on a much more personal level. There are some whom I’ve met in person, over skype, or just via DM/email/messaging. These are people with whom I actually share my life on a personal level.

They know about my life outside of my relationship and work and are my support and cheerleaders in life. During the past year, I’ve been in contact to a varying degree with them. For some we just occasionally stayed in touch to say “Hi” and moved along; now was not the time to reconnect.

One very special friend has been a text/skype friend the entire year and many days she put the very first smile on my face. It’s amazing what one positive message can do for you.

Over the past few months as my relationship with FHF has started to crumble and I’ve started to feel lost, I needed these friends. I needed people to talk to. The best way for me to de-stress is to talk about it and share. I don’t do this the same way with every person; I love that.

One friend I can think of has always been sympathetic, but he’s never stopped complimenting me on my attractiveness. I’ve been somewhat of a fantasy of his since he and his wife found my blog. I’ve really enjoyed getting to know him and his wife over the past couple of years.

But over the past month, he has really helped me stay confident that I am desirable and distracted by putting a smile on my face. I love the random DM’s I get where I find out I’m his masturbation muse. Its unexpected and I consider it a compliment like few others, because he enjoys my body, my writing, and my mind. And I really like that his wife knows all of this about him.

Another friend has taken a different approach. Also married and also a fellow blogger, he’s engaged me in lots of discussion about, well, everything. There are few people who are an intellectual match for me and with whom I can engage constantly in conversation and really enjoy it. He is one of them.

It turns out that he and I are very similar in our personality traits, so his empathy has been invaluable. He’s been so supportive and I appreciate how direct he has been in offering help without providing an opinion on my situation, feelings, or decisions.  Whereas one man flirts endlessly with me, this man will not out of sensitivity. They’ve both made the right decision.

Then my friend whose random texts about anything and everything – she’s always there. Her vivacity for life is contagious and I’m so glad for it. Sometimes you need someone to make sure you’re OK, and then tell you how she fell off the bed reading one of your texts. Random, unexpected laughter.

I have a couple of gaming friends with whom I’ve been able to confide. Gaming is and has become such a big part of my life I’m so glad I’ve found friends that I can trust and share my life with. It’s good to have people check-in on you, especially for me. So often I keep myself distant since I don’t want to “burden” people with my problems and concerns. Having those check-ins and conversations is so important.

I have a few friends at work who know to varying degrees what is going on. One has become the closest thing to a best friend I’ve had in years; if I ever need a shoulder to cry on, its her. I’ve often gone to her office for a hug when I needed it and she has held me for as long as I needed. She’s a true kindred spirit.

I have the friend who checks in on my sanity because I check in on hers; if we’re both on the edge, at least we can help each other. And then I have the friend who, despite her best intentions, is really only concerned with herself, so if I want to be distracted, she will do it without even knowing.

My weirdest conversations have happened with her – and she is also the only person who has got me dancing the stanky leg in the hallway in the middle of the day because the occasion seemed to call for it. (And I DON’T just dance for the heck of it!).

Work, gaming, internet – I have friends there to support me. And yet, I’m left feeling lonely. When they log off or work or travel, there’s a definite absence in my life. Even now as I write this at 9:21pm, they’re all offline or away in their own lives and I’m filled with this feeling of ennui.

Now what? FHF is just a room away, but I don’t even know what I’d want to do with him. I really don’t feel like gaming with him – I’ve gamed for hours today already. Watching TV is old and boring. So what are we left with? I can’t remember.

Here I am in my house, sitting alone, feeling alone. I really do have the best support group in the world – near and far – but what I wouldn’t give to have you all in the same room with me. Well, maybe. I’d take you all within driving distance, instead.

Thank you for those who have been there. I’ll always appreciate how you’ve been my sounding board, my confidant, my safe place. I’ll make it through.

  2 Responses to “I’ve got support and yet I’m lonely”

  1. Or even on the same continent would be nice. We could deliver hugs and sinful patisserie product in person. :)

  2. I remain fully confident in your ability to get through and find that sense of well-being again. I also know that loneliness can be crushing even when surrounded by people as far as you can see. Too many people forget that loneliness happens regardless of proximity of people, but instead has everything to do with the quality of the connection to those people. That quality is often fluid; people who energize us one week can bore us the next, then turn around and reinvigorate us a month later. Other times people just drag us down, and the only way to shed the loneliness is to shed the people who aren’t being good for us. But you knew that. 😉

    Regardless, I’m here to help whenever you need.

    Stay SINful,
    Mr. AP

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