Dec 132014

What the fuck am I doing?

I’ve asked that a lot of myself over the past year. Why am I letting this argument go? Why do I let my office get so messy? Why do I eat foods that are bad for me? Why do I stay at a job I don’t enjoy and that pays me too little to stay there?

How am I ever going to find a new job if I don’t get the right skills for the career I want? Why am I letting my ultimate dreams of sex ed go to the wayside? Will I ever marry FHF, or are we just on the slow road to catastrophe?

There’s a lot of shit in my head these days. Between fighting pretty severe depression over the last year, learning not to be a workaholic, trying to accept that it’s OK to indulge ME from time to time, I’m feeling so lost.

I haven’t been able to write. Well, rephrase: I haven’t been able to type out what I write. Most nights when I go to bed, I start writing a blog entry and it’s incredibly well written, honest, and natural. It feels good. But when I’m awake I can’t find words. My brain feels too cluttered.

Yes, FHF and I are in trouble. We’re in premarital counseling and it’s going OK – not great. I’ve been having these flashbacks to my ex and where things were really going bad when I realized he was too selfish to be a supporter/partner/equal participant as an adult, and I’m afraid things with FHF are going the same way.

I’m scared and worried. I don’t know what to do other than to try and work on things, but at this point everything feels like thin ice and I don’t know if we’ll make it across this lake without drowning.

I’ve drowned enough. I don’t want to anymore, but there’s only so far you can go before you realize you have to give up. I’m not there, but I feel like its close. I’m scared. I’m sad.

I blame myself – because, why wouldn’t I? Part of my “mental issues” is that I’m always to blame. Somewhere I haven’t been supportive of him enough or given him enough of a chance… maybe I’m expecting too much.

You know what? I’m not. I’m asking for as little as possible. I want to kick myself for putting my heart out on the line and being so vulnerable. I want to save myself and just end things to get it over with — but if I really want this to work (and I do) I have to wait and find out if we can make this work. What do I do? I hate to sit and wait, especially on something I doubt so much.

Then the work stress. I’ve been seriously searching for a new job for 6 months now with about 7 interviews and 1 offer that I had to turn down. I guess the fact I’m getting interviews is great – but the fact nothing else is going anywhere is depressing.

Last year I got my management to agree that I’m being paid nearly 25% under current ‘market rate’ for my job… when I asked for a raise to make me market competitive, they waited 5 months to tell me ‘yes’ but only for just 1/3 of what I asked for, and not until Jan 1, 2015 (8 months after my initial request).

I really, really don’t like working for that much less money than I should while I continue to receive great recognition, kudos, praise, and positive reviews. It really fucks with your mental health. ‘Yes, you’re valuable and you contribute a lot and we want you as an employee — but we’re not going to pay you a fair market value because, well, we don’t want to.” Obviously I’m not as valuable as I’ve been told I am.

My sister won’t talk to me.  It’s been nearly a year since she begged me to go visit her last minute the week before Christmas to comfort her and help talk her through some of her relationship issues. Her tumultuous marriage of just 4 months had already been threatened to end in divorce twice and she needed someone close to her to talk it out.

I went. We talked. I kept my distance emotionally from the topic and really played a neutral party. We had a great weekend together; the next week she and her husband reconciled and all of a sudden I was enemy #1 and had tried to poison her against him. I was given an ultimatum to accept him completely or to lose her.

Well, it’s really hard to “fully accept” someone who you’ve spent all of 2 days in person with while you’ve heard for 2 years how he emotionally blackmails and controls your only sister. So for now, I’ve lost my best friend. The one anchor I’ve always had has been cut away and I’m not sure what to do. What can I do?

So, life, what the fuck am I doing? And how in the world do I get to a somewhat happy ending in all of this? When is the day where I get that new job, get my family back, and know where this love of my life and I are going?

  One Response to “What the fuck am I doing”

  1. […] its a work in progress, and since it’s still alive, I really won’t write much. I wrote a taste of the turmoil a couple of weeks ago when I just needed to vent without saying too much. I really […]

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