Nov 112013
 

Yesterday, the feminist porn empress (Courtney Trouble) asked this on twitter:

Tweet asking about porn

The tweet

I’m not gender variant, but I think self-discovery can through porn regardless of gender. This is my story.

I was 15 when I looked at porn for the first time. I don’t remember what pushed me to go look at it that particular day. I waited until I was home alone. I didn’t know where to go. I think I looked at xxx.com or maybe I searched for “xxx porn” on yahoo.

Either way, I found some website and I remember pausing at the age gate. I think I read and reread that agreement and almost stopped. I was so scared to lie…. what if “they” found out? (At the time I thought “they” would be the government or my parents.) Curiosity won out, so I lied and clicked through.

Five minutes later, I was erasing browser history and clearing cookies. I only remember general details of what I saw: rough fucking. Women being slapped across the face and forced to suck dick roughly. Women weren’t being pleasured and were obviously faking pleasure. Women with fake breasts, fake nails, fake hair, and too much makeup.

It didn’t turn me on. Instead, I searched through my parents R-rated movies and watched the sex scenes. These Hollywood love-scenes were exactly what I needed. My parents collection was super small, so I ended up watching scenes from Dances with Wolves and Don Juan de Marco over and over again. (Hey, beggars can’t be choosers.)

It took me four more years to look at porn. Now in college, I looked for porn hiding on our college intranet since my Christian school had very effective internet firewalls and monitoring. I found a clip or two. These weren’t the completely fake clips I saw before, but they weren’t very interesting. I give up on porn.

Two years later I’ve graduated and I’m married. I’ve come to accept myself as a bisexual and I’m still interested in viewing some porn — either boy/girl or girl/girl. I have no idea where to start, so I searched for “how to find safe porn” or something similar. That search led to me Violet Blue. Violet’s website had a whole section on how to find safe porn – porn where you didn’t have to worry about viruses and invasive software that would ruin my computer.

Violet’s advice changed my view on porn. I joined a couple of porn sites. One was Abby Winters and the other I cannot remember. I liked Abby Winters; I was only interested in the girl/girl porn and this site had a lot to offer. However, I was not a member for more than a couple months. While the girls were real, everyday girls and the sets felt authentic, the realism of their pleasure was missing. The moans were soft and unconvincing and could not convince the screamer in me that there was authentic pleasure being shared. I needed loud, vocal pleasure.

The other site is where I found Cytherea. I never thought I would have a favorite porn star, but she quickly became mine. While browsing the categories of the site, I came across “squirting.” I’d never heard of this word and quickly selected a clip from a porn called “Squirtwoman.” The scene had Cytherea and it was immediately obvious that whatever she was experiencing was:

  1. Fucking awesome
  2. I wanted it

That is where my obsession with squirting started… and it would take 7 more years for me to experience it for the first time. And since then its happened a lot.

I watched a lot of Cytherea and branched out into other porn. I found that I liked porn IF the woman was relate-able and was having real orgasms. Some days, it took a lot of searching to find some good porn. A lot of this  porn helped my masturbation during the weeks my ex and I weren’t having sex. At some point, my ex found out about my porn and asked me not to look at it.

He didn’t believe porn was OK in our marriage. It was viewing other people having sex and if I had sexual needs, I should be able to fulfill them in our relationship, together. I started watching porn in secret, but struggled with a guilty conscience. Part of being in a relationship is respecting your partner’s wishes, so I kept unsubscribing from accounts and deleting my bookmarks. It would last a few months before I would start watching porn again.

Fast forward to today and my current relationship where things are completely different. My partner and I both watch porn. Most of the time we watch on our own but occasionally we watch it together. We both have our own interests: I like girl/girl, squirting, bois, androgyny, feminist, and hentai porn while he likes either male/male, cartoon (his favorite is Kim Possible), or cum-drinking/dumping/guzzling/bukkake.

There isn’t any judgement or fear that watching porn will take over our relationship or distract from it. If anything, its been an enhancement since we can build on fantasies, get ideas to try, or share an interest we may not be able to do in real life.

What have I learned about myself from watching porn? I love androgyny and, although I’m rarely turned on my just a photo, every image I’ve seen of Jiz Lee has aroused me.

I’ve learned that if I don’t like watching porn of it, I definitely won’t doing it in real life. (Examples of this: choking, monster dicks, blow jobs with more hand coverage than mouth coverage, fake orgasms, fake nails, fake boobs, fake moaning, dick slapping on a woman’s ass, cum swapping, etc).

I’ve also learned that what I like to watch in porn allows me to explore my sexuality and see how much something turns me on before I try it (such as squirting or deep throating) or if something turns me on, but I really only want to fantasize about it and never do it (humiliation and breath play).

  One Response to “Self-discovery through porn”

  1. […] real world sexuality. We’re not porn stars and we don’t see this as porn (although we have no problem with porn). We’re doing exactly what we do in our normal lives – just recording it and […]

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