Sep 232013
 

Years ago I tried to start a blog. I purchased my own domain, registered an email address, and started writing a first entry. I never finished it. At the time I was sure people would read it, except that I didn’t know what to write.

Now I know what to write, but I’m afraid people don’t read it. This whole switch to WP has shaken my confidence. Shaken isn’t the right word.

Shattered.

I feel like a fucking failure. My site visits and readership is at the lowest I’ve seen it since I started my blog. My twitter used to have a slow, steady growth and now I’ve been taking 1 new follower, losing 2. It’s like…. I’ve become more real and lost something that people liked? expected? wanted?

The real me isn’t as desired or enjoyed as the mysterious me? Perhaps I should have expected that. I didn’t.

I don’t have blog-friendly skills. I don’t know how to photoshop or do any editing aside from cropping a photo. I don’t know html or any other programming language to customize my blog. I have no graphic design skills to be able to do my own neat logos. I’m soooo lost and the nerd in me wants to thoroughly research solutions to these problems. And then I run into the problem of time.

All the while, I have these doubts running in my head. You’ll never recover. It’s been long enough, you should have seen some progress by now. You’ll never be as funny/quirky/enjoyable as blogger X, Y, or Z, so you’ll never get those numbers. No one really cares about it. I bet most people never even visit my blog. My blog is irrelevant. People are unfollowing me because they’re tired of me.

I try to fight these thoughts, but it’s hard. It’s so hard when I try to find the good in something that feels like a weight… I write because I enjoy it. I don’t have to and I don’t do it for the kudos. I’ve never made a dime from writing, so why is it so important?

I have to. I just do. Way back in the beginning of my blog a female reader asked me about how to orgasm with her partner during penis-in-vagina (PIV) sex. I answered her in a blog entry… and then several weeks later received an email where she told me my advice had worked and she was now experiencing orgasms with her partner. Woah. Me being here, occupying this space of uncomfortable discussion and claiming my own corner of the internet — it made a difference.

At least one woman is now enjoying orgasms with her partner. That’s why I’m here. Should I care about the numbers? Not necessarily, but I do. I care… and it hurts when they aren’t where I think or expect them to be.

  7 Responses to “Shattered confidence”

  1. Maybe that’ll work. Maybe not. Either way, don’t give up! Keep doing you. The world doesn’t have to dance with you for you to be proud of your work!

  2. Also: It didn’t work. i was trying to embed a video! Just keep going!

  3. Writing because you enjoy to is reason enough. If one person is helped or inspired by you then that’s fantastic. But don’t be put off. I discovered you on twitter, purely by chance. As you’ve opened up I’ve found you much more “real” and have no plans to stop following or reading. People who matter will stick around. The ones who don’t stick around, don’t matter.

  4. Our blog is growing in popularity but very slowly. We write bevause we want/need to. Perhaps that is reason enough. BTW, we love your writing.

  5. I’ve been reading you since I started reading blogs, and I appreciate your space in my corner of the world. So thank you for continuing on.

  6. I was reading a Cosmo magazine and one of the articles mentioned “Makelovenotporn.tv” then I saw your profile where you listed this blog. I always found your blog interesting because of who you are and I envied you lol still do sometimes.

  7. If you love it, keep going.

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