Sep 042013

Well, we almost kissed.

Several weeks ago, I was in NYC for work and had one free evening. As soon as I had my dates set, I contacted Dirty Lola and asked to get together for dinner/drinks/whatever. OK, I really didn’t ask, I assumed she’d want to meet me:

Me: Hey. Im going to be in nyc for business aug 15-18!! Nights should be open….

Since her response was automatically putting me in her calendar, I guess I was right. And then we had to wait almost two months to go by.

The evening of our meeting/dinner date arrived. I had been at work all day and was frazzled. I also hadn’t had room to pack anything fun or sexy in addition to my work clothes, so I was in jeans and a shirt feeling quite under-dressed. We were meeting near my hotel and I was trying not to freak out inside.

I didn’t know how to do this! Aside from my fiance, I’ve never met anyone online and gone out to meet them. How do you know someone and yet not know them in person and then try to meet them? It’s not like meeting someone for the first time. It felt like I was missing some sort of social protocol.

I was early and she was late. At least in a crowded city like NYC you can stand on the side walk and look around at people and be considered somewhat normal and blending in. Of course, the crazy homeless guy who randomly jeered and lunged at people was helping to distract from me standing there. It occurred to me that I had no idea which direction she was coming from (and therefore no sure spot where to stand as 5 streets converged onto our meeting place).

I also realized that, aside from her lovely face, I had no idea how tall she was in relation to me… and so I started to fret that I wouldn’t recognize her. I pictured the meeting going like this:

I’m staring down the street, head waving back and forth as I look at people. A woman with dark hair approaches but I look past her. Hi! She says to me. I turn my head the other direction. Must be another crazy person, I think to myself. She taps on my should and introduces herself to me… at which point I’m thoroughly embarrassed I did not recognize her and I’m stammering apologies and trying to cover my non-recognition.

It didn’t happen that way… but I have met someone twice and not recognized them the second time, so I’ll forever have a fear of it happening again.

I knew her right away. Walking down the street I saw her and I smiled. There she was – taller, as I expected, beautiful, and dolled up in a very cute dress and make up that made me wish I had been able to pack something more fun for this trip. Regardless, I watched her walk towards me and thought how incredibly luck I was to have her to myself on a Saturday evening for dinner!

I think we waved to each other and then gave each other a quick hug and kiss on the cheek. Dinner was delicious, but it paled in comparison to the company. It’s been ages since I’ve been out with a girlfriend and had an honest dialogue about our lives.

I’ve never had someone with whom I could share my sex life in regular conversation. I told her how my fiance was expecting all sorts of sordid tales of sex and pictures of us girls naked from our hours-long orgy… and how I’d explained to him that this was dinner, not the last chance in the world to ever see her naked. We talked sex (lots of sex), but also work, life, friends, living in the city vs the country, and even our cats. (Turns out even our weird cats have quirks in common).

Unfortunately, my long week of work had caught up to me and after 2.5 hours together, I was yawning every few minutes. I did not want the evening to end, but I was turning into terrible company. She walked me to my hotel just a couple blocks away. It was so sweet… in this way it felt like a date. I liked that feeling… she was keeping me company, making sure I was safe in the big city, and spending more time with me.

When it was time for our final goodbye, I felt a stab of regret that it was already over. We leaned in for another hug… and then I ruined the moment. I leaned left, assuming another cheek-kiss, just as we’d met, and she went for the lips. It was a half-cheek, half-lips kiss for each of us… and my lips tingled. I had twinges of excitement and a rush of joy when I felt her lips on mine.

Too soon, it was over. I was suddenly shy and unsure. I had so many thoughts in my mind as we both turned quickly away to walk apart. Did she think I didn’t want to kiss her? Does she think it was awkward? Should I go back and ask for a kiss, and just explain how I misjudged? What if she didn’t mean to kiss me at all, and it was a mistake on her part?

I kept walking. You’ll regret not going back…. I walked toward the door. You could still catch her… If you don’t do it now you probably won‘t have a chance for another year, at least. I know! But… but what if she says no? What if I ruined the moment? And I walked into the hotel, relishing the feeling of her lips on mine.

It wasn’t a real kiss. It was all off-center and confused. I didn’t even have guts to ask her about it and tell her my regrets until nearly three weeks later. I was so embarrassed for mis-judging and fearing rejection I didn’t want to have the conversation. I doubted myself for no reason.

She has had the same regrets as me. She almost turned around and went after me… she wanted to be polite and so she let me be. Now we’ve both been teased… although I’d make the argument that since I’ve never had a kiss from a woman, I’m the one in more torment because just the briefest graze against my lips was enough to keep me thinking on that moment for weeks… and wondering what could have happened.

Those thoughts are ones I’ll keep to myself, for now. And so, I’ve almost been kissed. Still waiting!

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