Note: This letter, while in response to a post an anonymous post at Molly’s Daily Kiss called I am Ugly, is something I think any woman may need to read at some point. This is to all of us, when we feel ‘ugly.’
You are not alone. You may feel alone, but that does not mean that you are alone in your experience. Despite the wide reaches of the internet, its still possible to feel very lonely. Please hear me out as a sister of your suffering.
You and I are very similar.
I am also overweight. You are nearly 50 lbs overweight, I am over 90 lbs according to the published BMI ranges for my height. It’s not a fun place to be. Some days its hard to look in the mirror. Your fat jeans become your normal jeans. And then your new fat jeans are the next size up and you can’t believe you’ve jumped another size. Getting back to where you were seems like a hard, dangerous road. It’s long, lonely, and difficult.
I also have too much hair on my body. I have PCOS, which means I have way more testosterone in my body than a woman should. I pluck every day to keep my chin hair, neck hair, mustache hair, and eyebrow hairs in check. I don’t do a good job at it.
I hate it when my lover notices if I missed a hair. Sometimes my facial hair grows really long, just one long strand on my face that is invisible until my lover tries to brush it away only to realize its connected. I have a happy trail I have to shave away.
I have so much pubic hair I have to shave or wax or I get rashes from all the hair and the sweat it retains from the day. If I don’t shave my legs every day, you can see it. I have more underarm hair than my male lover. I have to pluck hair from my nipples. I have hair on my toes, so much so that both lovers in my life have called me “hobbit.” I struggle every day with my hair.
I have ugly stretch marks all over my thighs and stomach from two periods of depression in my life where I gained weight so fast. Now they won’t go away. If a swimsuit is humiliating, then a swimsuit with long stretch marks down your thighs is even more so, because I’d have to wear men’s shorts to hide them. So I stopped swimming.
Like you, I had a lover who found my body useful for sex but found parts of it unattractive. He didn’t want whole parts of me. The sex was awful and I dreaded it. He gave me compliments, but the words were flat, empty, and meaningless. They were tokens of something that wasn’t there. I tried to call him on it, but it just caused problems.
So, Ugly, we are not that different. In some ways, we live and have lived the same life. But that is where the similarities end.
Unlike you, I do not think I am ugly. In fact, I’ve found that I’m a beautiful person. I’m more round that I’d like to be, but I have beautiful breasts (saggy though they may be as DDs) and a big ass (cellulite, hairy ass crack, and all). I may have lots of hair, but its a nice brown color where I don’t remove it. My body is high maintenance. My skin is always dry and my scalp is flaky no matter what products I use. I just make the best of it.
But I like my body. I try to take care of it. Even though I’m overweight I won’t give up trying to lose that weight, even if PCOS makes it harder for me.
I found confidence by looking in the mirror and making myself say one positive thing about myself ten times each day. Even now I look in the mirror and remind myself how pretty my eyes are. I joined twitter and blogging and saw that there were women whose bodies were similar to mine that many (not everyone) though was beautiful.
That’s the beauty of this world. There are so many types of bodies with all sorts of features; everyone has an admirer. If you don’t believe me, go browse porn or tumblr. The variety is greater than I ever imagined.
But here’s the biggest difference between us: how you treat yourself and see yourself tells others how to treat you. It is not your fault that you lover and partner is a complete asshole when it comes to showing affection towards you. It is, however, your fault for letting it continue as long as it has.
Relationships have ups and downs and attraction and frequency of sex may change through the years, but there is never an excuse for a partner to not comfort you, not look after your emotional well being, and to make sure you are pursued and loved.
That is betrayal. You think that another could never find you attractive. You’re doomed to a life alone and unwanted. Who doomed you to such a fate? There is no wicked witch in this lifetime. Only you could choose that future — so why are you so resigned to take it? There is another option.
You can find a new future. It can be whatever you want. I broke off a 6 year marriage and 9 year relationship with my former lover. He was my first kiss, my first everything. He broke my heart. I was right there in your shoes, willing to live and die because I promised I would always stay.
But what about his promise? Didn’t he promise to love and cherish also? Isn’t that promise just as broken when my heart is in pieces? Did I promise to stay with in unhappy, unfulfilled life no matter what? No.
You don’t have to stay in this. You have a say in whatever happens to you. You can be resigned to your life of not being appreciated for who you are, but I promise you there is someone out there who would love you and appreciate you more for who you are. They would love every part of your body, flabby, fat, hairy, or not.
I certainly found one. And he loves every single hairy, flabby, stretched mark part of me. He loves those parts of me so much I’ve cried during sex from the powerful emotions.
And to think I almost never knew because I was almost too scared to think I deserved better.
You deserve better, too. You deserve more credit from yourself but just as importantly, you deserve better from your lover. I hope you find that confidence and that partner, whether its from your current husband or someone new.
All my support and cheerleading,
The other you