One of my first blog posts was about The Rule and why it was important for us. We had agreed that we had to be together for at least a year before we would talk “next steps” aka engagement, marriage, family, etc.
Well, as stated in that post, and this one and this one, rule-breaking is somewhat common, especially during passionate sex or the day of his long-awaited divorce. Lately its being broken outside of the bedroom as well – and he’s not the only one who does it. His nephew and his brother do it all the time, too.
One of the reasons he loves to break the rule is my reaction. I can’t help myself – I blush profusely, I get the widest smile that won’t go away, and I can’t hide my sheer delight and happiness at the idea of it all. Deep down, its what I want and I want to get there with him.
So why have the rule? Well, for several reasons. First, even though we moved in kind of fast together, we didn’t want to rush into “forever” too quickly. We’ve both made that assumption about a relationship in the past. We wanted at least of year of seeing ups, downs, daily life, and everything else that shows a person’s true colors. Another reason for the rule is that it would keep us grounded in the here and now and not looking for that future. An obvious reason – his divorce was in progress and we had no idea how long it was going to drag on for – so why even think about that? And finally, why are we rushing in the first place to make things official?
We both agreed when we started this relationship we were in it to see if it was “it” for both of us. I don’t do casual or “let’s see where this goes.” I’m here to see if its real, and if its not or it doesn’t work then I’m moving on. Neither of us wants to waste the other’s time. But that doesn’t mean that we don’t want to move forward. We both have a goal – for us marriage is the goal and next step.
So the rule – he’s free, we’re in love, and we’re set on a future together. We’ve not made it to the one year yet (that happens in June) – but is the date so important? Let’s think about the life events we’ve experienced:
- We’ve survived multiple 10-17 hour driving trips together without killing each other – or really even arguing beyond a few heated words now and then.
- We’ve shared our favorite movies and music and been able to tolerate, appreciate, and grow to like our new music. He likes Michael Jackson, Lil Wayne, and Guns N Roses while I like Train, Pink Martini, and Ella Fitzgerald.
- We’ve both experienced an intense illness (the norovirus, no less) back to back and took care of each other despite not feeling well ourselves.
- We’ve been able to cry, vent, and complain about anything and everything in life. When I cry he holds me and when he cries I hold him.
- We can be honest about our feelings and wants and the other will take it sincerely and to heart.
- Above all of the busy part of our lives and the stress that comes with it, we always make time for each other. Every day. It doesn’t matter what the day has held, we always reserve some “us-time” that allows at least 30 minutes time spent exclusively with the other. And no, this time does not include sex of any kind. It’s cuddling on the couch, playing a game, sitting and talking.
I like to think we’re very healthy and when I look down the road, I see us there together. What does the timing of that road look like? That’s where we’re on a different page. When his divorce was final, he said he didn’t want to get married for “a while.” When I pushed for a time on that, he said “several years.” Yikes. I was thinking more like two, max.
On the other hand, he’s so ready for commitment he’s ready to start a family and, when my period was 24 hours late last week, he was just a little bit hopeful it would never come. Ever since that he’s brought up how much he wants to have a baby with me and start our family… my reaction to this is always in 2 parts. First, I’m terrified because I’m NOT ready for that yet. Second, that is one of the sexiest things that’s ever been said to me.
I’ve told him I’m not ready. It’s nice that he is, but there’s no way I’m going to even entertain that idea at this time. My first objection (aside from my mental/emotional unpreparedness) is that we are not married yet. Until there are rings on both of our hands, I won’t even consider timing.
I told him that last night, by grabbing his ring finger and telling him that it was missing the ring that would let me think about baby-making. He responded by saying, “Well, let me go find one…” and of course I reacted with my blush/smile and fervent, “NO!” It didn’t help that a few minutes later I told him that I had actually looked at some rings and bookmarked some ones I liked…. you know, I like to be prepared.
Of course this brought on a whole round of me being naughty and a complete hypocrite about this whole “rule” business, especially since I’d looked at rings oh, 6 months ago.
So where does that leave us? Waiting. I’m not really in a rush to get engaged. Maybe sometime later this year or early next would be fine with me. I never wanted my first wedding (I was talked into it, almost blackmailed into it). Even when my marriage was good I hated the fact I’d had one against my will… but this time around? I can’t wait to have one. I can’t wait to do the whole dress and flowers and reception… OK, back to reality.
I don’t think the rule exists anymore. I’ll still give him crap for calling me Mrs ________ or his wife, because I’m NOT her… although one day I believe I will be.